I think it’s time for us to acknowledge that this charade of a relationship is officially over. You know, I give and I give and I give...but you never can seem to offer me the things that I need.
There was a time when I didn’t think I could quit you, Wal-Mart. You’ve got the most store brands of any grocery store I’ve shopped in, it’s true. But I’m stronger now, and these days, a cheap jar of salsa is just not enough to woo me.
You probably haven’t even noticed that I’ve been seeing other stores. You wouldn’t, would you? You’re too busy serving your other girlfriends, women who wear halter-tops and have the word “juicy” printed across their rears. Oh, I’ve seen your other girlfriends, Wal-Mart. And I am not impressed. Not impressed at all.
But those other stores I’ve tried, they really seem to want my money, Wal-Mart. You know Amazon.com? Amazon delivers. To my DOOR, Wal-Mart. That’s the kind of love I’ve hardly dared dream about.
And Walgreen’s? Walgreen’s doesn’t beat me up if I forget something. It only takes a minute to go from one end of that store to the other. A MINUTE, Wal-Mart! Can you offer me that? No. No, I didn’t think so.
Today I came to you out of desperation. I was in my hour of need. My little girl needs some pajamas. She needs some cotton ones with short sleeves. It’s getting hot here, Wal-Mart, and she’s sweating through her sheets these days. But did you offer me cotton pajamas? No, you didn’t. The best you could come up with was polyester. Polyester, Wal-Mart? POLYESTER? Did you know I live in Mississippi? Surely you did. You live here, too. We’re practically neighbors. And yet these days, it feels like we are worlds apart.
I don’t think I can keep this up anymore, Wal-Mart. I really don’t. My heart hasn’t been in it for a while. And quite frankly, I suspect yours never was.